


Nobody's Waving

by PolynomialPandemic



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: ALL THE ANGST, Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Sketching, Suicide, The author cannot tag, connor is too late, how does one word?, just plain angst, my boi evan should be protected, no, really I need to know, seriously, this is my first fic dont hate me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-05-21 05:08:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14908938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PolynomialPandemic/pseuds/PolynomialPandemic
Summary: Angst. Evan is sitting in a tree and decided to jump.His injuries are more than just his arm.And it turns out, somebody WAS around.Connor was just too late to make a difference.





	Nobody's Waving

He sat on the branch, bark digging into his hands, wet tear trails down his cheeks. How long had he been there? Not long… but long enough for his palms to hurt. He pulled a hand off the branch, and rubbed it on his shirt. 

Dull pink marks from the bark. 

No lines of cuts on his wrists.

No, of course not.

_ Why, Evan? Because you’re too much of a wimp to really hurt yourself, too scared of what others will think. _

_ Others already think you’re a freak, so why even bother? No-one really cares about you. _

He lifted his head, looked out across the orchard. 

_ You’re a burden. _

Green leaves, orange leaves, grey sky, tears…

_ It’s not like you even really mean anything. _

His heart started to beat faster, and he glanced down.

_ “Dear Evan Hansen, I’m a fuck-up who will always just be a stupid anxious burden on everyone”- why do you even bother. _

Ground, grass, specks of green, he couldn’t tell from this far up, and his breathing was starting to get out of control

He gasped- _ Lazy useless- _ Why couldn’t he breathe-  _ Just die already-  _ the world was spinning and he wanted it to stop, needed it to stop he couldn’t take it anymore!

Tears were falling freely now, as he had grasped onto the trunk with one arm, the other still holding his branch in a deathgrip.

“I-I can’t do it, I can’t I c-can’t I CAN’T I CAN’T-” 

His voice rose to a yell, and then left him again.

In a moment of ice-cold clarity, the frantic thoughts faded away.

_ Maybe you should jump. _

His stomach felt like it might fall out, he was still breathing far too fast, and his hands were sweaty, again, as always.

_ … _

_ Yeah, maybe I should. _

_ I’m worthless.  _

_ It’s not like I was ever getting anything through. No-one can hear me, I can’t- _

_ They don’t care, they can’t hear me, no-one can hear me and I’m trapped- _

In one spasm, Evan pushed himself off the branch.

 

_ … _

_ Shit. _

_ No, wait, I take it back! I didn’t mean to I’m sorry I’m sorry I- _

 

It took forever, and it took no time at all.

Fuzzy sky turned into darkness, but oh, didn’t the sky look wonderful while it lasted. 

 

____

  
  


Connor sat in the old orchard, and sketched. 

Hair in a messy bun, Phone tossed aside, I-Will-Kill-You-And-Eat-Your-Bones-For-Fun persona discarded, he watched the pencil lines forming rougn doodles, whatever was in his head, sketches of Zoe, playing her guitar with her eyes closed, when she didn’t know Connor was watching. A sunset, and… Evan Hansen. 

 

Evan Hansen. The shy, nervous kid with the bright eyes, the radiant smile that appeared so little, Evan Hansen with the sweet, anxious stutter…

_ I’m too fucking gay for this, Hansen. Damnit. _

He heard a noise, something like a yell, but the wind blew it away. Was there someone else here? 

Connor pushed to his feet, Just in time to see a figure fall out of the giant oak.

“Shit!”

He started to run towards the person, biting out “Shit, shit, shit, fuck-” As he ran, until he skidded to a stop and bent over-

Evan? 

Connor stopped breathing. He slowly rolled the boy over.

Evan. Evan’s face, Evan’s hair-

_ Evan. _

_ Holy shit. _

“Evan?!”

He didn’t respond.

_ Goddamnit Evan, I know you can hear me, get up. _

Connor felt for his crush’s heartbeat.

Nothing.

He tried again.

_ Shit, fuck, EVAN please get up, please get up, open your eyes don’t be dead! _

_ I love you, you asshole! _

_ I love you I love you don’t leave me- _

Connor couldn’t tell if he was thinking or saying the words flowing through his head, but Evan wouldn’t move, wouldn’t  _ speak _ , wouldn’t  _ breathe, goddamnit- _

Wait. CPR?

Could that work? 

Please let it work

_ Please _

Connor put his lips on top of Evan’s and tried to imitate what he’d seen in the movies.

_ This isn’t how I was supposed to have my first kiss. _

It wasn’t working, Evan didn’t move, and damnit, didn’t Connor just want him to open his eyes or stutter out a sentence, or anything, please!

He pulled back, and looked down at Evan, starting to hyperventilate. 

_ No, no no no please no not like this, not like this- _

_ He was crying. _

 

_ And he didn’t stop for a long time. _

**Author's Note:**

> comments are nice.  
> Prompts are nice.
> 
> Or go find a fic you really enjoyed but were too busy to comment on and rant at the author about their amazing story 
> 
> STAY SAFE LOVELIES


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